Hi! My name is Liyi. I’m entering my last and fifth year of Applied Mathematics and Engineering, and I’ve been blogging ever since my first year at Queen’s. Last year, I took a year off to work in Toronto and, believe me, I am ecstatic to come back to school. You’ll hear why later in this post.
I was born and raised in Guelph, Ontario. I was shy and a people-pleaser, grew up with lovely friends, and, like most people, experienced wonderful things and tough challenges. I’m 22 now, and I feel similar to—but also starkly different from—myself at age 18 when I just entered university.
If all the feelings I had at 18—anxiety, fear of failure, and a loss of sense of self—were embodied by a rock near the oceanside, then the years between 18 to 22 have allowed (1) the ocean tides to erode some of that rock, and (2) foliage and wildflowers to grow. The foliage and wildflowers symbolize confidence, humility, and peace (somewhat).
Growing up, I faced a lot of pressure to excel academically, and the fear and disappointment of not reaching those expectations is still something I am unlearning today. I was raised to think that my worth was conditional on my grades and education, future career, and how successful I am. Of course, that is not the case. Everyone has worth, just as the sun is hot and |z + w| ≤ |z|+|w|. An undeniable fact.
Failure is inevitable, and I was never taught how to perceive myself with a healthy mindset after I failed. I spent much of university falling, learning to get back up with my head held high, and completely breaking down these toxic foundations that were built throughout my childhood. I thought a lot about why I was the person I was and attended cognitive behavioral therapy. Along with the natural erosion of the ocean tide, I chipped away at my rock of anxiety, fear of failure, and loss of sense of self, and grew new habits that will hopefully flourish.
I am grateful for the 16 months I was away from school—everything I’ve previously mentioned and learned has had time to marinate and push me to grow steadily. Additionally, during my work term, I’ve understood that school should be a time to cherish the lack of (some) real responsibilities, spend time with friends 24/7, and explore opportunities for improvement. After roleplaying as a graduate, I’ve concluded that:
- while work is fun and great because you’re making money and can go on vacation whenever,
- school is an incredible change of pace due to the simple fact that you are here solely to learn and play. No messy work politics, no need to start thinking about a mortgage, and no real work responsibilities that impact stakeholders.
As stated earlier, I’ve had previous university years to break down toxic foundations and learn to deal with failure and anxiety. I also had time to grow and build myself back up.
This upcoming year, I will do my best to learn and play! I will focus on my academic journey, do some intramurals, and dillydally at the pier. I want to be the best student I can be after a year of working and make the most of being at university. I want to have fun, do well in school, and not burn out. I want to time manage so I can go to all the club fairs I want, study effectively so I’m not cramming during exam season, and not procrastinate so that I can do spontaneous things and not feel guilty.
My last year will be seen through the lens of a starry-eyed first year, but with the knowledge and experiences of a fourth year. I hope you see me and this blog as encouragement to succeed and have fun in university, and I’ll try to teach you everything that I’ve learned these last few years. Let’s go make some memories!
Liyi