Dear Reader,
If you’ve been following along with my previous blogs, you’ll see a stark difference between this one and the previous ones. While I address this blog to you, I write today as much for myself as for you. I have a feeling this blog is something I’ll need to revisit in about four months’ time.
I’ve been on vacation for two weeks. In the past four years, it’s the most time I’ve ever taken away from my work. Prior to my first day of this two-week vacation, I’d taken one full day off in 12 months. Unhealthy? I think that’s an understatement. But now, after time off, it’s time to reflect on how I got here.
If you’re in graduate studies too, you know that there’s always more that we can do. One more page, one more conference, one more application. The need to persist lurks whether you receive an acceptance or a rejection. No matter where you turn, there’s always something else that can be done. And I took that to heart. A break meant something wasn’t getting done, and I care deeply about my work, so I just didn’t take any time off. As a result, my work started to suffer. I had so much going on that other aspects of my life started to suffer too, like my personal relationships. I forgot to check in with people. I didn’t give my biggest supporters my time. I couldn’t help the people around me because I could hardly help myself. Honestly, I could hardly form a thought by the end. Have you ever not been able to think? And I don’t mean that you avoid thinking; I mean you genuinely could not string together your thoughts. I made it to that point—and I never want to end up back there.
Over the break, I started doing activities that I gave up in order to pursue more work, including running and video games (yes, I know, polar opposites). I volunteered at my former high school for a day, spent time with my family and friends, even played board games again! And, much to my surprise, I was content. Don’t get me wrong, the first three days were hard. I was tempted to return to work every time my mind started to wander. But eventually I found peace doing non-work-related activities. I found the strength to overcome the urges to return to work. I got a book for Christmas and I started to read it, but quickly realized that it was going to send me back to my laptop, so I put it down. I’ll pick it back up soon, but I needed that time away from work.
And yes, some tasks had to wait while I recovered (and no, I don’t use “recovered” lightly. It’s been a grueling process of breaking bad habits and re-orienting my priorities). My conference paper? Only half done. The journal article I need to revise and resubmit? Incomplete. But I still have time to do them. Sure, I’m going to be a little overwhelmed at first while I start tackling all these tasks again, but I actually have the mental capacity to critically engage with them now.
There is no real moral or lesson here. Sure, you can read this as a cautionary tale—the whole “you need to take breaks” speech—but I’m really just striving for raw honesty. I write this to remind myself of where I was and how far I’ve come. After taking a break, I’m no longer haunted by the fear of what might happen if I do take a break. It may sound ridiculous, but taking a break from my work was one of the toughest hurdles I’ve encountered. Looking back, I think it was shame. I don’t know if it will be the same for you if you’re also an anti-break student like me, but I hope that if you need a break, you find the grace to let yourself have it.
And I have to take this opportunity to thank my family, friends, supervisors, and colleagues who—through many conversations—have sought to help me realize that my health and well-being are important. Turns out, I’m far more concerned about others than myself, but there comes a point when I have to prioritize myself if I’m going to be there for others. What an interesting cycle. I’ll do better. And now I know that I can do better.
If you’re looking for alternatives to work that will help you prioritize your health, check out Student Wellness Services events and initiatives.
Until next time,
April