Dear Reader,
While reading those two words, did your email app notify you of yet another message? The Outlook email sound used to catch me off guard, but now it goes off so often that I might as well have it as my own personal anthem. Don’t get me wrong, I actually quite like getting emails. Many of them offer new opportunities to grad students like me, so my world is fast expanding beyond what I ever thought it could be.
The problem? I don’t actually have enough hours in a day to do everything I want to do. In week two of the term, someone approached me and asked, “April, how are you so on top of everything? It just seems like you’ve got it all figured out, and I’m living day-to-day. I’m doing my work for tomorrow today, and you’re already ahead and doing so many other things.” Confession: I do not have it all figured out.
I’m a “yes” person when it comes to volunteer work and research opportunities. Last week, I was sitting at my on-campus desk and a peer looked over my shoulder while I was updating my calendar. He made a gagging sound and said, “Is that your calendar? I do not envy you.” On top of my own classes and my TA classes, I had over ten hours of other scheduled commitments (not to mention the other five hours of unscheduled volunteer work). On one day last week, between 9am and 7pm I had 30 minutes of free time. I used it to wolf down some food.
My friends keep telling me that I need to say no to some things because the workload has become so excessive. I haven’t been present at the last four hangouts they’ve had because I just haven’t had the time. Honestly, I’ve been too busy to even realize that it’s February. This term, I’ve only spent one evening with my friends, and that was because it was my friend’s birthday (which, according to the Friend Code of Conduct, is basically a crime to miss).
I couldn’t quite come to terms with what they were saying until I made a mistake, one that really hit me hard. I pride myself on being reliable. I feel it is one of my best qualities. If someone needs something, I will be there. If I agree to something, I will be there exactly when I say I will be. But this month, I double booked myself for volunteer work on the same evening. I was supposed to be at a booth promoting resources for four hours, but one hour in, I was supposed to go to another room and present for 15 minutes to a class of first-year students. I did not put both events in my calendar, and I forgot about the presentation. I was at the booth for four hours, and on my walk home, I realized that I forgot the presentation and I stopped in my tracks. I have never written an email in such distress. I apologized to the professor who had graciously offered her class time to me. Although she emailed back and said not to worry about it, that error continues to linger.
It was a serious wake-up call. I told a few people, and they said, “It happens. Don’t beat yourself up about it.” Yeah, it happens, but to other people, not me! But apparently I am human and I do make mistakes. I want to do everything. I want to say yes to every opportunity and still get my own work done and be there for my friends while still having time to sleep, eat, and exercise.
Today is Saturday. It is not noon yet. My email has gone off three times just in writing these few paragraphs. I have a list of nine tasks to complete before this evening. I have an appointment. I need to go get groceries. I have four emails to draft for Monday morning. Yes, it can be a little overwhelming at times, but I can’t imagine my university experience without all these extra opportunities. I’m beyond grateful to be able to learn from so many incredible people and to be able to support so many students in their academic endeavours.
Grad school is a balancing act, but my scales are all over the place right now. I love what I do, but I do not have it “all figured out.” My peer coming to me for advice made me realize how easy it is to draw comparisons between people in grad school. I do it too. I look at other people and wonder how they seem so put together with the weight of the world on their shoulders. In writing this blog, I’ve realized that they probably have their own stuff going on too. They are grappling with their own struggles. No matter how much we fight it, we are all making mistakes and trying to find our way. If it’s any consolation to you, my path looks like I’m following a snake through rocky terrain. It is up there, down there, over there……a real mess. But honestly, what’s the fun in traveling a straight line?
Until next time,
April