Having five final exams is common, it’s true, but that does not mean that I am complaining any less. This is for good reason. In the past little bit, I have conducted a study (using myself as the sole participant), and my results show that the best way to alleviate stress is to complain with a friend who has the same exam coming up! Oh. And studying helps too.
Prior to university, I did not have very positive study habits—I vividly remember making a Roblox account and playing Korean BBQ simulator with my friends the night before my biology exam last year. Not this year though! The nice thing about being a student at a larger institution is undoubtedly the plethora of resources I have at my disposal. Before, all I had was the Amoeba Sisters, Khan Academy, and a teacher that scarcely replied to my emails. Now, there are entire departments dedicated to my academic success.
Even though as someone who works for SASS, it was intimidating for me to book an appointment with a SASS advisor. It should not be this way, but it felt like I was almost admitting defeat because I was asking for help. Although I felt that way coming into the appointment, that was not how I left feeling. My advisor helped me structure my precious, few remaining days, which was something I struggled to do alone.
Departments and student unions put forth more effort towards supporting students’ success. Did I feel intensely claustrophobic while squeezing my way down the Humphrey Hall Auditorium (for the PSYC 100 trivia event) to the seat my friends —bless their souls—had reserved for me? Yes. But the trivia night helped me gauge where my weak points were, and the Insomnia Cookies they provided satiated my sweet treat craving.
Those are all positive changes since grade twelve, but with every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. My superpower in high school was my immunity to test anxiety. Tests were anxious of me. This can be largely attributed to my over-inflated ego, but that was swiftly popped as soon as I walked into my first lecture.
Unlike grade twelve, I feel a sense of—this is partly for dramatic effect—impending doom every hour I get closer to my first exam. This is partially since this is the first time an assessment truly holds weight, but also because somewhere throughout the semester I realized that I was not destined for STEM as I had once thought. As mentioned in my first entry, my program choice was spontaneous and not one that I put much thought into. The only thing I used as a compass was knowing that in high school I was perceived as smart. And if not smart, I did not know who I was. By extension, it felt like if I succeeded in STEM, I would be satisfying not only external, but internal pressure to prove that I am capable.
To preface, this qualm does not stem from the teaching quality of any of my instructors, it is merely that for me, it took coming to university to realize that perhaps science was not the right rite of passage. It is relieving to come to a definitive conclusion, but it also feels like I am in academic purgatory.
My grades would indicate that I am far from failing my classes, but my yearning to switch is not due to poor grades, it’s because the content is not something I look forward to learning more about.
It is a privilege to be surrounded by so many brilliant minds, but it is seeing some of my peers have so much passion for what they are learning that helped me realized that it is time to reevaluate. University is hard. That is true and universal. But it is my inability to engage in what I am learning that solidified my desire to change programs.
This thought initially filled me with guilt. Why had it had taken coming to university to realize that science was not for me? But better to realize that sooner rather than later. Change should not be seen in a negative light if the change is in a forward direction; it is a good thing. Few people travel directly north, often, they go a little east, a little west, but ultimately, they end up at their destination.
Even though I can foresee my retirement from a woman in STEM in my near future, it was these courses that allowed me to lay a strong foundation in academic success, and for that I am grateful.